What if???

So yesterday was not a good day…I dont know what set it off or maybe I do…I started thinking about the what if’s???  I remember the week before I had my scan when we found out about my incompetent cervix (IC)…and I specifically remembered being in a training class and texting my husband that it felt like she was kicking my vagina…little did I know that by reading IC forums that is a sign of an issue…I had no idea but I started blaming myself that maybe I should have called the dr. or known that there was something wrong…I didnt know that there was an issue or that I had IC or anything…I know I shouldnt blame myself since I didnt know but I should have known…it just hurts so bad….I cry in the shower in solitude so that I can be alone…I was conversing with my hubby about that…I generally grieve alone…I feel like it makes both the person grieving and the other person uncomfortable…that is how I feel…I find that there are no words that a person can say to make me feel better…some ppl find it comforting to have a shoulder but I dont always…I feel badly to put someone in that type of position where they have to comfort me when there is no amount of comforting that will help…my heart is broken and there is nothing in this world that will fix it…I find distractions to not think about my pain but its there and probably a piece of my heart will always be broken but I guess that is my new normal…

I dont know if I should continue with therapy…I had one session 2 weeks ago and it was cathartic but so is writing about it in a blog…she mentioned that I should write in a journal to get my thoughts out and I found it really helpful…there are things I write that I dont want anyone to know so I am glad its for my eyes only…I have to see if I want to continue since I know its good for me to be able to talk to someone about my feelings but a little part of me is still afraid to do that…


My name is Cindy

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Posted in IVF, Pregnancy
9 comments on “What if???
  1. I think that you should continue with therapy. Grieving alone is most likely not healthy and your therapist will help you work through your issues of guilt and other things that will most likely come up.


  2. I know that no words I say can take the pain away or even help much at this point, but I wanted you to know that I’m reading and with you. Personally, I think that continuing with therapy is a good idea. If you’ve found a therapist you feel comfortable with that is a really great thing. I have been in therapy before and I found it so helpful to have an impartial person to bounce all my thoughts off of and to get the validation I was desperately seeking.

  3. Brittany says:

    The what if’s are the worst. I try to avoid them, because in the end it won’t change anything now, but every now and then they creep up and it’s just terrible. Like you, for the most part I am more comfortable grieving alone – it feels like less pressure because I can just be as sad as I want, but I did start seeing a therapist a few weeks ago, and while I’ve only been twice it has been helpful to just vent to someone who is unbiased about everything. She’s also said a few things that have given me a different perspective when I was stuck on certain things, and they’ve really helped give me some piece of mind, which is pretty priceless at this time.

    • cindysn says:

      you are 1000% correct….there is nothing I can do to bring back my daughter so all I am doing is torturing myself 😦

      I do have plans to go back but the scheduling hasnt been the easiest…I am glad its helping you…

  4. Lola says:

    I wrote on your other blog, before while I was at the hospital during bedrest. I lost my twins due to incompetent cervix. I had a cerclage but it didn’t work. Doctors suggested I try the transabdominal but this is my second twin loss and I dont think I could go through this again. I also felt that the babies were kicking my vagina I asked the Drs and nurses on a trip to triage (stomach flu) and they told me it was normal. I asked them to check my cervix when they did my U/S but they said no because the Dr. didn’t ask for it. I also blame myself thinking maybe I should have pushed for them to check it. I know how you feel. This is devastating. My heart is breaking for you because I know how you are feeling right now.

  5. Jessica says:

    Hey. Just wanted to stop by and let you know you aren’t alone and asking what if’s is normal, but can also drive you crazy! I’ve had so many what if’s after each of my losses due to IC, i’ve lost count! Just know i’m thinking about you and praying for you. Feel free to email me if you want to chat:) jessica.jensen08@hotmail.com

  6. You couldn’t have known. My most recent baby spent a lot of time poking me in the vagina, and I have never had IC. It isn’t your fault and you couldn’t have known.

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