Do you ever ask yourself why things happen to you??? I know my husband has told me he really believes that everything happens for a reason and I tell myself then thats sometimes fucked up…I know I have experienced some really stressful and traumatic instances in my life and if that was supposed to happen to me then I think I am being punished. I know that all the experiences that we have make us the person that we are today but maybe I would be more a care free and happy person than a sometimes bitter and mean person. I wonder what person I could have been? I think of my daughter and the mother I could have been to her? Was I just not meant to be her mother? Was I meant to get pregnant and lose her to due to my cervix for a reason? I question a lot of things in my life these days and the more I go to therapy the more I question who I am as a person versus the person I want to be. I know that life sucks sometimes but I dont want it to suck. I want to live life and be a happy. Isnt that all we really want in life…to be happy? Why is it just so hard sometimes? I know that I put on a mask most days so that people see me as ok when I really am not. Who wants to see me sad all the time? I dont want to be sad but I cannot help it so I internalize my feelings.
I know its not healthy to do that but the we live in a world that likes to have rose colored glasses. I dont tell my husband everything I am feeling because I am afraid of what he will think. I know that he loves me no matter what but its still a fear I have. I guess I have lots of fears that I am trying to deal with right now and they are all happening at once. I wish I was able to control the emotions and deal with them individually as they come but I guess thats not how feelings work. I do cry a lot less now but I have a deep sadness that I know will never go away. My heart has a hole that will never be filled because we lost our Olivia. I just hope that one day I will be able to not feel as sad anymore. I know a new baby will not fill it but my heart will swell with the love I have for him/her that the hole will not be as big anymore. That is my hope at least.