Does everything happen for a reason?

Do you ever ask yourself why things happen to you??? I know my husband has told me he really believes that everything happens for a reason and I tell myself then thats sometimes fucked up…I know I have experienced some really stressful and traumatic instances in my life and if that was supposed to happen to me then I think I am being punished.  I know that all the experiences that we have make us the person that we are today but maybe I would be more a care free and happy person than a sometimes bitter and mean person.  I wonder what person I could have been?  I think of my daughter and the mother I could have been to her?  Was I just not meant to be her mother?  Was I meant to get pregnant and lose her to due to my cervix for a reason?  I question a lot of things in my life these days and the more I go to therapy the more I question who I am as a person versus the person I want to be.  I know that life sucks sometimes but I dont want it to suck. I want to live life and be a happy.  Isnt that all we really want in life…to be happy?  Why is it just so hard sometimes?  I know that I put on a mask most days so that people see me as ok when I really am not.  Who wants to see me sad all the time?  I dont want to be sad but I cannot help it so I internalize my feelings.

I know its not healthy to do that but the we live in a world that likes to have rose colored glasses.  I dont tell my husband everything I am feeling because I am afraid of what he will think.  I know that he loves me no matter what but its still a fear I have.  I guess I have lots of fears that I am trying to deal with right now and they are all happening at once.  I wish I was able to control the emotions and deal with them individually as they come but I guess thats not how feelings work.  I do cry a lot less now but I have a deep sadness that I know will never go away.  My heart has a hole that will never be filled because we lost our Olivia.  I just hope that one day I will be able to not feel as sad anymore.  I know a new baby will not fill it but my heart will swell with the love I have for him/her that the hole will not be as big anymore.  That is my hope at least.

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My name is Cindy

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Posted in Loss
6 comments on “Does everything happen for a reason?
  1. I really think that you need to talk to both your therapist AND your husband about your feelings. He really should know what is going on with you. And I’m not sure that internalizing your feelings is going to help you move forward. Your loss is fairly recent and I think that people would completely understand that you are not finished grieving yet.

    You are not being punished for anything. Us infertiles are dealt a shitty hand, but other people are dealt different shitty hands.

  2. I am so sorry for everything you’ve gone through. I am feeling defeated from loss and IF and understand this post very well. Sending you hugs from an internet stranger via ICLW.

  3. catwoman73 says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I do agree with the previous poster- you aren’t being punished. Though I totally understand feeling that way. Try to keep the lines of communication open with your husband- I buried a lot over the years, and as a result, we’re having to work pretty hard now to re-establish intimacy. Don’t let infertility take a huge toll on your marriage, too. Huge hugs….

  4. Brittany says:

    I feel like this sometimes. It’s so easy to rattle off all the stuff we’ve been through and then throw on losing a baby and it just seems ridiculous – like it has to be some form of punishment. Try to be easy on yourself – some terrible things just happen for no reason – if there was a reason or way to stop them I know we would.

  5. The image of your heart swelling so that the hole is just not as prominent anymore — that’s lovely. I hope the TAC surgery helps you to carry a full-term baby and fulfill your dreams. In the meantime, I hope there are other things that can help heal and expand your heart, like the love of people who see the wounds there and still accept you just as you are.

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