Before & After???

Do you look at your life as before & after a specific event?  I think I am doing that now before we lost Olivia I was a bit more carefree.  Yes infertility really causes you to question your life but once we overcame that with ivf I thought the battle was over.  Sadly I was wrong to think that.  Before we lost Olivia I looked at the world and all its beauty but now all I see is the suffering.  Losing Olivia has really made me realize how truly unfair life can be.  I know that there are def people out there in a worse situation that we are in but it really sucks right now to be in my world.  My world is filled with a lot of anger, sadness and pain.  If my Olivia was still here my world will not be the same.  I would be happy.  I am not happy right now and with Mother’s Day and my due date coming up its going to be a rough month.  Before we lost Olivia I looked forward to being able to celebrate Mother’s Day but now I dread it like the plague.  After we lost Olivia I have become a different person and I dont know if I like the person I have become.  I dont want to be around certain people and dont get me started on if you are pregnant or have children.  After we lost Olivia I am more scared than ever that we may never have children.  I can say I am more scared than I have ever been in my entire life.  I hate feeling like this but I guess I have to live my life as best as I can now that Olivia will never be in it.


My name is Cindy

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Posted in Loss
9 comments on “Before & After???
  1. Kate says:

    I know exactly what you are talking about. It’s hard to see it now, but you will be happy again someday. I have full faith that you will have your rainbow baby. I see the pain in the world and I can’t watch TV or movies that have any child passing away in it now. I try to make the world better now. It’s a gift Wally and Liz gave me – the ability to see the hurt in the world and the drive to eliminate as much as I possibly can of it. *hug* I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. This first year without Olivia is the roughest. Take the time and space you need, and ignore holidays if that is how you have to cope this year. And please remember, I’m around if you need a chat.

  2. Ana H says:

    Oh Cindy, I am so sorry that it hurts so much. I often think about the life before and after losing my twins. It seems almost as if a veil was lifted and I stepped into another life. Loss is unfair and it is so cruel. Mother’s day will undoubtedly suck but you will get through it. This year on Mother’s day (it comes earlier in the UK) I cried… a lot. But it does pass and if you just allow yourself to accept that you feel like shit for a day, you will get through it. I am also terrified of never becoming a mother but it is important to keep hanging on to the dream. It will happen, it just has to and I think (hope, pray, wish) that it will happen for you too.

  3. catwoman73 says:

    I’m so incredibly sorry you’re hurting so badly. Mother’s Day is terrible for those who have experienced loss. Yes, you will survive, but I’m sure you’re pretty tired of just surviving. It’s a hard way to live.

    You most definitely are a different person now that you have had such a huge loss. All of my losses were first tri losses, and they changed me in ways that I didn’t like as well. I know that it’s hard to see while you’re in the thick of the rage and despair, but ( you’ll have to trust me on this one) you will be whole again. Different, but whole. Try to have faith, and hang in there… huge hugs…

  4. Anna says:

    Yes. My life is very much delineated into before loss and after loss. And Mother’s Day has always been difficult and hasn’t gotten any easier. Thinking of you.

  5. Stasy says:

    I’m not going to lie; the next month is going to suck. A lot. There’s just no way around it, but you will find your way through it. I know simply surviving is exhausting, but unfortunately, it’s the only thing we can do. HUGS!

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