Feeling in limbo…

So today I am 11 weeks pregnant and I feel in limbo.  Yes I am pregnant and everything so far is going well but I just dont feel pregnant.  I feel like the shoe is going to drop and all of it will go away.  Having gone thru infertility and then losing Olivia my heart just hurts and I should be holding her and not pregnant again.  I am 1000% grateful to be pregnant but I just dont feel in it.  My pregnancy with Olivia was filled with some anxiety but all the hope and love for our child.  Losing a baby changes how you view pregnancy I think.  I know every day is a blessing and nothing is guaranteed and maybe thats how I feel.  I dont want to fully embrace this pregnancy because I dont want to feel the same hurt and pain when I lost Olivia.  I hope that doesnt sound wrong but if I dont believe it to be real then maybe if something goes wrong I havent invested as much.  I am going to struggle this whole pregnancy and I hope that it doesnt get worse.  I love this baby but my heart is still heavy…

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My name is Cindy

Posted in Loss, Pregnancy
17 comments on “Feeling in limbo…
  1. jesselyn6585 says:

    I completely get guarding your heart against the same pain. Just remember (and I know this is easier said than done) that you’ll be missing out on a lot of the really great things that normal pregnant women feel. I know for IFers and women who have lost babies, we’ll never have a truly normal pregnancy. However, I’m sending you strength, courage, faith, and a great big hug. I hope you can find it in your heart to push those thoughts to the back of your mind and start to enjoy your pregnancy. Your beautiful rainbow baby needs you. And know that whatever happens, we’ll all be here to help you. ❤

    • cindysn says:

      Its just so hard. I feel like I dont fit in anywhere. IF girls dont get it if they are going thru IF cause I am pregnant. The pregnant girls are in such awe and loving every second of pregnancy. I have been there loving every minute when it was taken away from me. I just cant get to that excited first time mom phase that I so wish I was able to.

      • jesselyn6585 says:

        I’m sorry dear. I wish there was something I could say to make all your fears vanish. You’ve experienced something that no one should have to experience. I’ve been told that losing a child is the absolute worst pain in this life. I pray that you will never experience it again. And while I can’t even pretend to know what it feels like, or what you’re going through, I can still wish for you that it will subside enough to let you just enjoy this pregnancy. I understand how unrealistic that wish is. Hopefully letting it out in your blog helps you to keep sane during the rest of your day. *big supportive hug*

  2. Heather says:

    Thinking of you at this time. xxx I can’t imagine how awful the loss of a child is because I haven’t experienced it, but I’m sure it has left its mark on you and how you look at life and your pregnancy. I also hope it makes you stronger in the weeks ahead and I also am glad you are getting those weekly appointments so that you can totally keep track of how things are going. Hang in there.

  3. JustHeather says:

    Just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. I agree with what the others have said, especially jesselyn6585 (first comment). I think you have all the right in the world to feel as you feel and to be distant with this pregnancy, but hopefully it will change as you get farther along. Take it one day at a time.

  4. I’ve been this way my whole pregnancy. I’ve barely had an hour where I actually thought all is well. I’ve put stuff off so much because of my fear. I hate it. 😦

  5. Cindy, I’m sorry you’re feeling out of sorts and that you don’t “fit” but know that you do. Each population has it’s issues and worries but in the end we all want the same thing: our healthy baby in our arms. I totally understand your logic for not connecting 100% with this pregnancy yet and I’m sure that when I finally get pregnant again I’ll have the same thoughts. That said, I don’t think you’re doing yourself any favors… I really don’t think that it will hurt less if something goes wrong in this pregnancy. I think that it will be just as soul crushing. Of course, I truly hope that nothing bad happens and it sounds like your medical team is keeping an eye on stuff, so that’s good. In the meantime try to find that glimmer of hope that you’ve buried deep inside and let it shine. Love this new baby with your whole heart and let it heal you. This baby will never replace Olivia but it can bring new meaning to your life and hers.

    • cindysn says:

      This baby will give meaning to losing Olivia. Losing her the way I did meant I was able to get the TAC which will save her brother or sister. Her life gives me hope

  6. Stephanie says:

    Sending you positive thoughts! The pregnancy that resulted in my little girl was actually a triplet pregnancy (from 2 embryos!!). We lost the identical pair but were able to carry to almost term with the remaining baby. I didn’t take a single pregnancy picture of myself and I didn’t announce it to friends and family that hadn’t seen me pregnant until about 6 weeks before she was born. I was terrified of how people would act and how I would react if I lost that baby too. It is so hard to lose a little one and I’m so sorry that you went through it. It sounds like you are receiving amazing prenatal care and I wish you nothing but the best 🙂

  7. oc15 says:

    it’s true, it hurts just as much to not be connected and to be connected. i know what you’re feeling all too well but honestly, enjoy every moment. it’s time to stop torturing yourself sweetie.
    xox
    big hug.

  8. iamstacey says:

    Don’t feel like you’re ungrateful, you have the ‘ol infertility and loss PTSD. It’s ok to detach yourself a little bit. I just started really engaging at about 23-24 weeks. I’m excited now, but it’s the first time I’ve really felt more hopeful than cautious.

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